Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
