hotel room ftw
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
