The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
