She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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