Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
