I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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