He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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