it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
