Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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