you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
