I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
