Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
