I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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