i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
