She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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