you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just want to make out with him forever
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
