Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
