I look better un-naked...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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