Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
