Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
