you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone came in the potted fern
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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