We named our party play list daddy issues
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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