my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
