too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
