I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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