Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
