Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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