i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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