i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
