Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
