just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
