I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
