so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need to calm my uterus...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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