my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
