Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
