i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
