Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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