The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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