dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
