I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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