WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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