Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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