youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
