I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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