Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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