Can i not drive my cunt home
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
