Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
