id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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