I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
