Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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